updated my website!

http://shihohoshino.com

oh and Audrey Kawasaki's show this saturday! I CAN NOT WAIT!
I've been wanting to see her gorgeous artwork for years! (but the show was always too far from where I live...)
I bought a little gift for her, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to give gifts, but hopefully I can!
If not, I will still be giddy and happy and everything positive at the show!

This city seems to hate being stable. weather wise. I think I'm getting sick...:(
It's almost been a year since I moved here. There were so many ups and downs but I finally got a chance.
I appreciate everything but... I'm going to blame everything I write below on "getting sick and my mind is weak"

I still feel so sad to realize how far Japan is from here. I worry about my family, especially my grandmother.
And what can I do for her? How can I help her?

Japan is so far away... but I chose to stay here. my responsibilities.

:(

I've been busy working for a company during the day and work on my illustration at night. My hands are starting to hurt but I can't stop. I get worried. If I am good enough to be working, good enough to still try. So I work day and night. I hope my worries will turn to something positive soon.

Date:	2009-04-18 19:52
Subject:	hmmm...
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	nothing

i haven't touched LJ in soooo long... sad situation. it's because theres facebook, twitter, blog (actually blogS) and my website to keep up with. hmm... if i could only combine them into 1 big pot and stir it together! anyways, i have been working hard. i joined this thing called Saturday Illustrations which started with 2 of my friends. I am the 4th one to join this blog. What we do is basically pick a current event each week and illustrate them as if it is a real job. it is so interesting/amazing to see what 4 illustrators ome up with for 1 topic. everyone interprets different each week and i am so so so excited to be a part of this. so here are some stuff i have done for Saturday Illustrations...

      
     
everything looks so different style wise because i am experimenting a LOT. fun times!

自由ってなんだろうって考えて。
色々考えた結果、人間は満足度で自由を計ってると思う。
自分が満足していなければ窮屈で自分の思い通りになってなくて自信がなくなって『不自由だ』と感じる。
それを他人にぶつけたり何かのせいにしたり、そういう『負』の力が『不自由さ』に変わっていく。
それで『愛がない』ということになる。
人間は、というか小さい頃は喜怒哀楽が激しく変わってもそれは『子供特有』だからってすべて許される。
その『許し』という『自由さ』がじぶんがこれをしても怒られないという満足度につながっている。
だから子供はのびのび育たなきゃいけない、自分が自信を持つ事、満足する事、安心している事を経験してなければいけない。
それでも大人に近づくにつれて、というか体が大きくなれば外見は「大きい子」になってるわけで、
その外見相応の自身の表現をしていかなければいけない。それが「不満足」と感じる原因になって、どこで不満を感じるかについて、
最初に目につくのは自分の外見。だから女の子なら痩せたいとか男の子なら筋肉をつけたいとか。
一生のうちで一回は通る『自分を見つめる』経験がある。
それを深く考えればどんどん現実がわかり落ち込む人がいる。その逆で自分を好きになる人がいる。
どっちにしろ求めているのは『満足感』。それが『生きたい証』になってるから。
『不満足』があるからこその『満足感＝自由』の追求があるんだと思う。それが人間の好奇心になる。どうやったらもっと、何が出来るか。
それがポジティブであってもネガティブであっても人間は求めていくんだと思う。
それが人間の知恵なんだと思う。賢くなった代償だと思う。

じゃぁ完全な自由は得られるのか。自由って満足になれば叶えられるものなのか。
きっと叶えられないだろう。そのときはその時で新しい『自由でいる事への不満』が生まれてるだろうから。
そうやってエンドレスでいることが人間が生きている証。考える事をやめられない人間たち。

その中で「愛」に執着するのはきっとそこにも『満足させてくれる人』がいると期待してるからやめられないんだと思う。
たとえ女と男、女と女、男と男、どんな関係であっても二人の間には信頼感、満足感、安心感、期待、なにか変わったものがないかと常に追求して求めている。だから愛がないと自由はない。

そう思う。
子供の時見たいに素直に喜怒哀楽が打競れる世の中であればいいのに。
２０代だからって、外見が大人だからって子供みたいに待ちのど真ん中で泣きわめいても誰も気にしない世の中になればいいのに。子供が泣いてだれが警察呼ぶ？そういう事。

Date:	2008-03-22 10:49
Subject:	meh
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious
Music:	cough-cough-cough

i have updated my website:)

http://shihohoshino.com

i thought i knew a little bit about building websites on dreamweaver but actually talking to a graphice design professor and getting help from him, i found out it is veeeery hard for me to just look at text book and try to learn.
i guess i am a visual person. if i dont see it, i cant learn it or understand it.
and i dont think its a japanese or english problem.
i have to see it:)
i think i am always this way. i wont believe things (except ghosts) until i see it.
i wont fully believe the gossip until i talk to the person who is involved.
thats why love is so hard to believe sometimes. but seeing smiling faces, holdin warm hands (sometimes cold) and kisses on the head makes me want to believe.
and that should be that. no guessing for love.

...well i dont know how website got into my theory of "love" but my head is fuzzy from cold medicine and i have been sick for almost 5 days now soooo it makes sense in my head:)

i just want to get better and start illustrating:

Date:	2008-02-25 16:12
Subject:	recently...
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	winter nights - CLOUD

i have been drawing girls lately.
theres a lot of meaning to it but i rather not say.

Date:	2008-01-30 04:04
Subject:	are you awake?
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	are you awake? -lost in translation soundtrack

eyes wide open at 4 am.
mmm.
lately: http://shihohoshino.blogspot.com/

what i have to do other than school work.

1 poster for friend's play.
6 illustrations for a competition.
? characters for another competition.

i thought about participating in wine label competition, sidewalk fest, and such.
but i have NO time. noooo time.
:(

and now i just want to chug a beer and dance. my personal akeward dance that everyone laughes at.
fun times. i miss it.

Date:	2007-12-31 00:59
Subject:	2007-2008
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	青山テルマ- one way

its still 12/30/2007 here but...
bye bye 2007 and happy wishes for 2008.
i had so many changes this year (2007) and some good, some bad,
but i finally feel like i am living on my own pase.
i have less regrets and happy to meet new people.
its a big change for me. i have been scared in the past.
i still have so much to do, so much to fix, and a big big decision to make.
but that can be done. i know i can try.

...so i am "ok" in the end.
and thats the level of happiness i want.




shihohoshino.com

Date:	2007-12-05 21:21
Subject:	yes!
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	secret!

im re-making my website with Dreamweaver.
I NEVER used Dreamweaver, but a with a lot of help from my friends,
its almost done! YESSS!:)
its simple, straight to the point kind of website but i am satisfied!
now i just need to understand how to upload them correctly so i can show it to the world!


on the other hand...

http://shihohoshino.blogspot.com/

since every illustrator I know is doing it...haha



t-o-k-y-o tomorrow! i rather be there than here!

Date:	2007-11-27 11:44
Subject:	........
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	snoring sound in the house

family (aunt, uncle, cousin"s") visiting my house is fun.

but at the same time its overwhelming.
i am supposed to know where things are at my MOM's house,
and i am supposed to find it, and hand it to my family.
i am supposed to go places with them and stay up late to talk to them.
doing that for a week is... tiering.

ive been getting up early, actually eating BREAKFAST (like a big big one) every morning,
and then going to places, fall asleep right when i get home, get up at 1am, live until like 3am and go to bed.

i know its getting harder and harder for my family to get together as we get older.
there will be a family reunion next year for my grandfather (who passed away when i was like 4)
but i wont be able to make it.

i am happy to see them, but im not happy home.
i just want to go where i feel comfortable, and have MY time.
it never happens when i am in Japan.

this is not a pessimistic LJ post. i just want to make notes to myself, encourage myself.
seeing it in type sometimes helps.


on the other note, i dont care anymore about what is going on with mr.
if he doesnt make an effort, then why should i.

どうしても会いたい夜ってどーすればいいんだろ。

やっぱ「距離」ってつらいなぁ・・・。

Date:	2007-11-14 23:08
Subject:	almost over!
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	ripslyme-R-E-M

almost over with finals!
im supposed to be studying for survery of illustration.
but. brain cells are dying right now and i need to rest them before it explodes. (ew)

Japan in few days.
going to see my friends, my sister, my terry, and ripslyme show and i dont know why but blueman show.
i have to start listing things to buy for my family.
i hate it drive because the gas is so expensive right now.(boo)
and where would i get christmas stuff other than michaels and walmart?? thanks mom for requesting something odd.



things are getting better.
1 more quarter to go. no counting down the days. that just makes me nervous.




before i leave USA, i want a ginger bread cookie. and big fat fries.

i lost another friend.
he chose to end his life. well it wasn't a choice for him. it had to be a must.
because otherwise he would never never never do that to himself.
he was always smiling in class, he had bad temper but that was one of his memorable part of him.
in the end, he made all of us feel happier.

i knew him since middle school. we were in the same "team" on school trips.
i thought i would meet him again this winter break.

but im too late.
im too late for him. and far far away from him.


sometimes it makes me sad to be in USA.
and realize my true home is in Japan. my second is UK and third is US.
im far away from each "home" that i can't keep track of my "family."
it sucks to not be physically there, attend to the funeral, and say goodbye.
just like when i lost a mate in highschool. i was in japan then.

i still cant believe he ended his life like that.
i know how serious it is when people think of suicide. and even worse when actually doing it.
so i care more and get worried about people like that. i want to know they are ok, and let them know that i will be there to just talk to or be beside them.
but im too late. im so late...

i wish i had known. everyone thinks that and i know its too late but i wish i had known.


i love you. hope you sleep well. and i will see you soon when i get back to japan.

Date:	2007-10-16 02:25
Subject:	mmm
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	King or Rock-Run DMC

LOVE to have this.

http://www.kidrobot.com/products2.cfm?ID=4695&cfid=3605502&cftoken=91980622&nav_chooser=&dept=TOYS&typ=KIDROBOT

...and i thought i was done with toys.
apperantly not....yet. haha






2 months and this year is over.
crazy!

less than a month till Japan.
crazier!

can't wait for Japanese food and friends and my dog and my sister!
aaaaaand, some serious illustration making should happen...



...and currently fighting with the mosquito somewhere in MY ROOM! (AHHHHHHHHH!)

Date:	2007-10-04 02:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	coldplay

wes andersonの映画、大好き。

昨日も今日も雨続き。
これが晴れたら秋になるのかな。
明日は木曜日で後５週間くらいでまた日本で。
そんな感じに淡々と『今年』が終わっていく。
でも来年は嵐の予感。やっと卒業で、いよいよ自分でお仕事を見つける時期で。
そんな『嵐』の前の静けさを目一杯楽しみたいのに、
ここにあるのは不安と心配ですでに嵐を恐れている私がいる。
チキンになっちゃだめなのに。足がすくんじゃだめなのに。もっと自信をもたなきゃだめなのに。


なのに・・・。

今日も『くしゅん・・・』てなりながらベッドのはじっこで枕を引き寄せてる。
早く次ぎにいきたい。生きたい。

人生なんか短くていい。
こんなプレッシャーばっかの長い人生なら私の身が持たないもん。



せめて自分に素直でいたい。
怖かったら怖いって言えていたい。ムカついたら無理に笑いたくない。嬉しかったらスキップして家までかえりたい。
なんで年を取るたびそういう事が制御させられちゃうんだろ。

Date:	2007-10-02 02:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved
Music:	gekko-indigo jam unit

i bought a PONY.
I love him and he sits right on top of where I sleep.
I look up in the morning at his chin and I smile.


And wind hates me.
They hit me with acorns bomb. It really hurt when it hit me on the forehead.
...but i like crushing them with my bike on the way to class haha:)





i should sleep. its only monday.
i wish the week and days doesnt mattered in my life.
and just live. and create. and travel. and feel safe somewhere.

Date:	2007-09-27 02:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thankful
Music:	type type type ting!

i wrote this when i was with my roomie and the oldest friend at scad.
it might be cheeeeezy but whatever:)



i was generally happy.
until that day.
it was a good life.
until that day.

until, until i met you.

then my life got crazy.
I have the "saddest day of my life"
and the "happiest day of my life"
and a single raindrop whould pour tears.
and a sunlight made my heart skip.

my life is a mess with you in my life.
And im happy to know what "love" is.


talking to my friend until 3am doesnt happen often for me.
but when it happens, its amazing.
i love moments like tonight...:)
happy nothing day to me.

Date:	2007-09-18 02:25
Subject:	眠い・・・
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	some hip hop thingy

眠い・・・・朝２時だし・・・。
んーでもイラストをやめられない♥
いや、やめてもいいんだけど、この瞬間が大好き。
空が暗くて、手元の明かりだけが火照ってて。
それだけで後は私と紙。

半分脳がsleep modeに入りつつ、
まだ手が勝手に色を衝く。
そしてそのままの感情がイラストに注入される。

そういう瞬間が好き。

やっぱイラストやっててよかった。

これからもこの『好き』を続けていけますように。

Date:	2007-06-17 02:34
Subject:	my website!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	くるりーばらの花

shihohoshino.com

finally! my website is up!!!yay! now i have a portfolio-type-website
which i NEEDED!:)

please open in safari for now though...
the person who did my website is going to fix that soon (hopefully...)

also... i cut my hair! yay for japanese haircut!


i hope everyone is well:)